D H Lawrence- The Dover Reader Page 5

  “What is it?” she asked, feeling sick to death.

  “A boy.”

  And she took consolation in that. The thought of being the mother of men was warming to her heart. She looked at the child. It had blue eyes, and a lot of fair hair, and was bonny. Her love came up hot, in spite of everything. She had it in bed with her.

  Morel, thinking nothing, dragged his way up the garden path, wearily and angrily. He closed his umbrella, and stood it in the sink; then he sluthered his heavy boots into the kitchen. Mrs. Bower appeared in the inner doorway.

  “Well,” she said, “she’s about as bad as she can be. It’s a boy childt.”

  The miner grunted, put his empty snap-bag and his tin bottle on the dresser, went back into the scullery and hung up his coat, then came and dropped into his chair.

  “Han yer got a drink?” he asked.

  The woman went into the pantry. There was heard the pop of a cork. She set the mug, with a little, disgusted rap, on the table before Morel. He drank, gasped, wiped his big moustache on the end of his scarf, gasped, and lay back in his chair. The woman would not speak to him again. She set his dinner before him, and went upstairs.

  “Was that the master?” asked Mrs. Morel.

  “I’ve gave him his dinner,” replied Mrs. Bower.

  After he had sat with his arms on the table—he resented the fact that Mrs. Bower put no cloth on for him, and gave him a little plate, instead of a full-sized dinner-plate—he began to eat. The fact that his wife was ill, that he had another boy, was nothing to him at that moment. He was too tired; he wanted his dinner; he wanted to sit with his arms lying on the board; he did not like having Mrs. Bower about. The fire was too small to please him.

  After he had finished his meal, he sat for twenty minutes; then he stoked up a big fire. Then, in his stockinged feet, he went reluctantly upstairs. It was a struggle to face his wife at this moment, and he was tired. His face was black, and smeared with sweat. His singlet had dried again, soaking the dirt in. He had a dirty woollen scarf round his throat. So he stood at the foot of the bed.

  “Well, how are ter, then?” he asked.

  “I s’ll be all right,” she answered.

  “H’m!”

  He stood at a loss what to say next. He was tired, and this bother was rather a nuisance to him, and he didn’t quite know where he was.

  “A lad, tha says,” he stammered.

  She turned down the sheet and showed the child.

  “Bless him!” he murmured. Which made her laugh, because he blessed by rote—pretending paternal emotion, which he did not feel just then.

  “Go now,” she said.

  “I will, my lass,” he answered, turning away.

  Dismissed, he wanted to kiss her, but he dared not. She half wanted him to kiss her, but could not bring herself to give any sign. She only breathed freely when he was gone out of the room again, leaving behind him a faint smell of pit-dirt.

  Mrs. Morel had a visit every day from the Congregational clergyman. Mr. Heaton was young, and very poor. His wife had died at the birth of his first baby, so he remained alone in the manse. He was a Bachelor of Arts at Cambridge, very shy, and no preacher. Mrs. Morel was fond of him, and he depended on her. For hours he talked to her, when she was well. He became the god-parent of the child.

  Occasionally the minister stayed to tea with Mrs. Morel. Then she laid the cloth early, got out her best cups, with a little green rim, and hoped Morel would not come too soon; indeed, if he stayed for a pint, she would not mind this day. She had always two dinners to cook, because she believed children should have their chief meal at midday, whereas Morel needed his at five o’clock. So Mr. Heaton would hold the baby, whilst Mrs. Morel beat up a batter-pudding or peeled the potatoes, and he, watching her all the time, would discuss his next sermon. His ideas were quaint and fantastic. She brought him judiciously to earth. It was a discussion of the wedding at Cana.

  “When He changed the water into wine at Cana,” he said, “that is a symbol that the ordinary life, even the blood, of the married husband and wife, which had before been uninspired, like water, became filled with the Spirit, and was as wine, because, when love enters, the whole spiritual constitution of a man changes, is filled with the Holy Ghost, and almost his form is altered.”

  Mrs. Morel thought to herself:

  “Yes, poor fellow, his young wife is dead; that is why he makes his love into the Holy Ghost.”

  They were halfway down their first cup of tea when they heard the sluther of pit-boots.

  “Good gracious!” exclaimed Mrs. Morel, in spite of herself.

  The minister looked rather scared. Morel entered. He was feeling rather savage. He nodded a “How d’yer do” to the clergyman, who rose to shake hands with him.

  “Nay,” said Morel, showing his hand, “look thee at it! Tha niver wants ter shake hands wi’ a hand like that, does ter? There’s too much pick-haft and shovel-dirt on it.”

  The minister flushed with confusion, and sat down again. Mrs. Morel rose, carried out the steaming saucepan. Morel took off his coat, dragged his arm-chair to table, and sat down heavily.

  “Are you tired?” asked the clergyman.

  “Tired? I ham that,” replied Morel. “You don’t know what it is to be tired, as I’m tired.”

  “No,” replied the clergyman.

  “Why, look yer ’ere,” said the miner, showing the shoulders of his singlet. “It’s a bit dry now, but it’s wet as a clout with sweat even yet. Feel it.”

  “Goodness!” cried Mrs. Morel. “Mr. Heaton doesn’t want to feel your nasty singlet.”

  The clergyman put out his hand gingerly.

  “No, perhaps he doesn’t,” said Morel; “but it’s all come out of me, whether or not. An’ ivry day alike my singlet’s wringin’ wet. ’Aven’t you got a drink, Missis, for a man when he comes home barkled up from the pit?”

  “You know you drank all the beer,” said Mrs. Morel, pouring out his tea.

  “An’ was there no more to be got?” Turning to the clergyman— “A man gets that caked up wi’ th’ dust, you know,—that clogged up down a coalmine, he needs a drink when he comes home.”

  “I am sure he does,” said the clergyman.

  “But it’s ten to one if there’s owt for him.”

  “There’s water—and there’s tea,” said Mrs. Morel.

  “Water! It’s not water as’ll clear his throat.”

  He poured out a saucerful of tea, blew it, and sucked it up through his great black moustache, sighing afterwards. Then he poured out another saucerful, and stood his cup on the table.

  “My cloth!” said Mrs. Morel, putting it on a plate.

  “A man as comes home as I do ’s too tired to care about cloths,” said Morel.

  “Pity!” exclaimed his wife, sarcastically.

  The room was full of the smell of meat and vegetables and pit-clothes.

  He leaned over to the minister, his great moustache thrust forward, his mouth very red in his black face.

  “Mr. Heaton,” he said, “a man as has been down the black hole all day, dingin’ away at a coal face, yi, a sight harder than that wall——”

  “Needn’t make a moan of it,” put in Mrs. Morel.

  She hated her husband because, whenever he had an audience, he whined and played for sympathy. William, sitting nursing the baby, hated him, with a boy’s hatred for false sentiment, and for the stupid treatment of his mother. Annie had never liked him; she merely avoided him.

  When the minister had gone, Mrs. Morel looked at her cloth.

  “A fine mess!” she said.

  “Dos’t think I’m goin’ to sit wi’ my arms danglin’, cos tha’s got a parson for tea wi’ thee?” he bawled.

  They were both angry, but she said nothing. The baby began to cry, and Mrs. Morel, picking up a saucepan from the hearth, accidentally knocked Annie on the head, whereupon the girl began to whine, and Morel to shout at her. In the midst of this pandemonium, William loo
ked up at the big glazed text over the mantelpiece and read distinctly:

  “God Bless Our Home!”

  Whereupon Mrs. Morel, trying to soothe the baby, jumped up, rushed at him, boxed his ears, saying:

  “What are you putting in for?”

  And then she sat down and laughed, till tears ran over her cheeks, while William kicked the stool he had been sitting on, and Morel growled:

  “I canna see what there is so much to laugh at.”

  One evening, directly after the parson’s visit, feeling unable to bear herself after another display from her husband, she took Annie and the baby and went out. Morel had kicked William, and the mother would never forgive him.

  She went over the sheep-bridge and across a corner of the meadow to the cricket-ground. The meadows seemed one space of ripe, evening light, whispering with the distant mill-race. She sat on a seat under the alders in the cricket-ground, and fronted the evening. Before her, level and solid, spread the big green cricket-field like the bed of a sea of light. Children played in the bluish shadow of the pavilion. Many rooks, high up, came cawing home across the softly woven sky. They stooped in a long curve down into the golden glow, concentrating, cawing, wheeling, like black flakes on a slow vortex, over a tree-clump that made a dark boss among the pasture.

  A few gentlemen were practising, and Mrs. Morel could hear the chock of the ball, and the voices of men suddenly roused; could see the white forms of men shifting silently over the green, upon which already the under shadows were smouldering. Away at the grange, one side of the haystacks was lit up, the other sides blue-gray. A waggon of sheaves rocked small across the melting yellow light.

  The sun was going down. Every open evening, the hills of Derbyshire were blazed over with red sunset. Mrs. Morel watched the sun sink from the glistening sky, leaving a soft flower-blue overhead, while the western space went red, as if all the fire had swum down there, leaving the bell cast flawless blue. The mountain-ash berries across the field stood fierily out from the dark leaves, for a moment. A few shocks of corn in a corner of the fallow stood up as if alive; she imagined them bowing; perhaps her son would be a Joseph. In the east, a mirrored sunset floated pink opposite the west’s scarlet. The big haystacks on the hillside, that butted into the glare, went cold.

  With Mrs. Morel it was one of those still moments when the small frets vanish, and the beauty of things stands out, and she had the peace and the strength to see herself. Now and again, a swallow cut close to her. Now and again, Annie came up with a handful of alder-currants. The baby was restless on his mother’s knee, clambering with his hands at the light.

  Mrs. Morel looked down at him. She had dreaded this baby like a catastrophe, because of her feeling for her husband. And now she felt strangely towards the infant. Her heart was heavy because of the child, almost as if it were unhealthy, or malformed. Yet it seemed quite well. But she noticed the peculiar knitting of the baby’s brows, and the peculiar heaviness of its eyes, as if it were trying to understand something that was pain. She felt, when she looked at her child’s dark, brooding pupils, as if a burden were on her heart.

  “He looks as if he was thinking about something—quite sorrowful,” said Mrs. Kirk.

  Suddenly, looking at him, the heavy feeling at the mother’s heart melted into passionate grief. She bowed over him, and a few tears shook swiftly out of her very heart. The baby lifted his fingers.

  “My lamb!” she cried softly.

  And at that moment she felt, in some far inner place of her soul, that she and her husband were guilty.

  The baby was looking up at her. It had blue eyes like her own, but its look was heavy, steady, as if it had realized something that had stunned some point of its soul.

  In her arms lay the delicate baby. Its deep blue eyes, always looking up at her unblinking, seemed to draw her innermost thoughts out of her. She no longer loved her husband; she had not wanted this child to come, and there it lay in her arms and pulled at her heart. She felt as if the navel string that had connected its frail little body with hers had not been broken. A wave of hot love went over her to the infant. She held it close to her face and breast. With all her force, with all her soul she would make up to it for having brought it into the world unloved. She would love it all the more now it was here; carry it in her love. Its clear, knowing eyes gave her pain and fear. Did it know all about her? When it lay under her heart, had it been listening then? Was there a reproach in the look? She felt the marrow melt in her bones, with fear and pain.

  Once more she was aware of the sun lying red on the rim of the hill opposite. She suddenly held up the child in her hands.

  “Look!” she said. “Look, my pretty!”

  She thrust the infant forward to the crimson, throbbing sun, almost with relief. She saw him lift his little fist. Then she put him to her bosom again, ashamed almost of her impulse to give him back again whence he came.

  “If he lives,” she thought to herself, “what will become of him— what will he be?”

  Her heart was anxious.

  “I will call him ‘Paul,’” she said suddenly; she knew not why.

  After a while she went home. A fine shadow was flung over the deep green meadow, darkening all.

  As she expected, she found the house empty. But Morel was home by ten o’clock, and that day, at least, ended peacefully.

  Walter Morel was, at this time, exceedingly irritable. His work seemed to exhaust him. When he came home he did not speak civilly to anybody. If the fire were rather low he bullied about that; he grumbled about his dinner; if the children made a chatter he shouted at them in a way that made their mother’s blood boil, and made them hate him.

  On the Friday, he was not home by eleven o’clock. The baby was unwell, and was restless, crying if he were put down. Mrs. Morel, tired to death, and still weak, was scarcely under control.

  “I wish the nuisance would come,” she said wearily to herself.

  The child at last sank down to sleep in her arms. She was too tired to carry him to the cradle.

  “But I’ll say nothing, whatever time he comes,” she said. “It only works me up; I won’t say anything. But I know if he does anything it’ll make my blood boil,” she added to herself.

  She sighed, hearing him coming, as if it were something she could not bear. He, taking his revenge, was nearly drunk. She kept her head bent over the child as he entered, not wishing to see him. But it went through her like a flash of hot fire when, in passing, he lurched against the dresser, setting the tins rattling, and clutched at the white pot knobs for support. He hung up his hat and coat, then returned, stood glowering from a distance at her, as she sat bowed over the child.

  “Is there nothing to eat in the house?” he asked, insolently, as if to a servant. In certain stages of his intoxication he affected the clipped, mincing speech of the towns. Mrs. Morel hated him most in this condition.

  “You know what there is in the house,” she said, so coldly, it sounded impersonal.

  He stood and glared at her without moving a muscle.

  “I asked a civil question, and I expect a civil answer,” he said affectedly.

  “And you got it,” she said, still ignoring him.

  He glowered again. Then he came unsteadily forward. He leaned on the table with one hand, and with the other jerked at the table drawer to get a knife to cut bread. The drawer stuck because he pulled sideways. In a temper he dragged it, so that it flew out bodily, and spoons, forks, knives, a hundred metallic things, splashed with a clatter and a clang upon the brick floor. The baby gave a little convulsed start.

  “What are you doing, clumsy, drunken fool?” the mother cried.

  “Then tha should get the flamin’ thing thysen. Tha should get up, like other women have to, an’ wait on a man.”

  “Wait on you—wait on you?” she cried. “Yes, I see myself.”

  “Yis, an’ I’ll learn thee tha’s got to. Wait on me, yes, tha sh’lt wait on me—”

  “Never,
milord. I’d wait on a dog at the door first.”

  “What—what?”

  He was trying to fit in the drawer. At her last speech he turned round. His face was crimson, his eyes blood-shot. He stared at her one silent second in threat.

  “P-h!” she went quickly, in contempt.

  He jerked at the drawer in his excitement. It fell, cut sharply on his shin, and on the reflex he flung it at her.

  One of the corners caught her brow as the shallow drawer crashed into the fireplace. She swayed, almost fell stunned from her chair. To her very soul she was sick; she clasped the child tightly to her bosom. A few moments elapsed; then, with an effort, she brought herself to. The baby was crying plaintively. Her left brow was bleeding rather profusely. As she glanced down at the child, her brain reeling, some drops of blood soaked into its white shawl; but the baby was at least not hurt. She balanced her head to keep equilibrium, so that the blood ran into her eye.

  Walter Morel remained as he had stood, leaning on the table with one hand, looking blank. When he was sufficiently sure of his balance, he went across to her, swayed, caught hold of the back of her rocking-chair, almost tipping her out; then leaning forward over her, and swaying as he spoke, he said, in a tone of wondering concern:

  “Did it catch thee?”

  He swayed again, as if he would pitch on to the child. With the catastrophe he had lost all balance.

  “Go away,” she said, struggling to keep her presence of mind.

  He hiccoughed. “Let’s—let’s look at it,” he said, hiccoughing again.

  “Go away!” she cried.

  “Lemme—lemme look at it, lass.”

  She smelled him of drink, felt the unequal pull of his swaying grasp on the back of her rocking-chair.

  “Go away,” she said, and weakly she pushed him off.

  He stood, uncertain in balance, gazing upon her. Summoning all her strength she rose, the baby on one arm. By a cruel effort of will, moving as if in sleep, she went across to the scullery, where she bathed her eye for a minute in cold water; but she was too dizzy. Afraid lest she should swoon, she returned to her rocking-chair, trembling in every fibre. By instinct, she kept the baby clasped.